hi ! Mitzi made an account here and showed it to me and i got interested, so i guess i'm here now !
oh, i didn't even introduce myself, LOL ! im Francine, im 23 and my life is pretty boring at the moment ! i used to work somewhere i won't specify, but i got fired a few months ago due to circumstances. i guess they didn't want me, after all. oh, well. i like to think they lost someone valuable, but a little voice in my brain keeps telling me i'm delusional for thinking that.
i'm also 18 weeks pregnant. nothing to do with me getting fired. i'm terrified. it was totally unplanned and a lot of things happened because of it. but i have to be strong for her. i have to. i've been thinking maybe of adoption, but i know i won't be able to give her up like that. i already love her like i've never loved before ... she's the only thing i have left. i have to be stay strong. or at least try.
luckily, Mitzi is there for me. i don't know what i'd do without her. she's a blessing. i'm so lucky to have someone like her in my life, especially right now, ha.
oh, i don't want my first entry to be too gloomy :( sorry !! i found some really cute cow blinkies though, i wonder how people makes those ? if you know, please let me know, i'm really interested !!
alright, i'm gonna go for now. see ya later !
hey ! it's been a few days since my first entry, so i thought i should update it !
morning was rough, got so sick i couldn't go to the office. i hope they won't fire me too aaaaghhhhh. not my favourite choice of a job, but i need it SO bad. ugh.
aside from that though, me and Mitzi decided to start a back to the future marathon ! she's nonstop nagging me about eating all the popcorn, but what can ya do. i'm pregnant, woman ! lol !
i never realized until now but, why is Michael J. Fox trying to bang his own mom in the movie ??? Mitzi pointed it out and my sides were literally hurting !! what's up with that ? oh well, still a good movie ! a bit weird on the whole incest thing, but the rest is good.
been having some trouble with our internet provider, been nagging them this week but our connection is still poor. i hope to get AOL soon ! i heard its better anyway.
i think that's all for now. bye for now :)
car broke down again while starting the engine to go home ... had to take the bus. man, i haven't taken public transportation since what, high school i think ? it felt weird sitting on that seat, not necessarily bad, just ... bizarre. somehow i missed this, i guess.
don't mind me ! i'm a weird ball of emotions and hormones right now. just been in a weird mood in the past couple of days.
i kinda miss high school ? it's weird ! it definitely wasn't my favourite time, but ... it feels so much easier than right now. i definitely took it for granted. when i didn't have to worry about all that stuff.
me and Mitzi went to buy some baby clothes, and ... i keep just looking at it. holding it and just looking at it. its so small ... it doesnt feel real, sometimes. i think im still kind of in denial. well... its coming fast so, i guess ill have to get my shit together real soon, lol !
but just ... i dont know. im excited for whats about to come, yet i also dread it. i dont have much of a choice, though ... itll be okay. ill be okay. shell be okay. if other single moms can do it, why cant i ?
i still ... really miss him though ... so much. part of me feels like i should drive back to his place and tell him, but i know it wouldnt be a good idea. i dont wanna force him into this. and i know he wouldnt be happy. i just want him to be happy, even if ... it means me being sad in return.
we were good. we were better than good. and i just ... fucked it up.
its fine. im fine. i have to be. ill be fine. he will be fine too, wherever he is.
well, its been a few weeks since my last update. sorry about it ! i wasnt feeling too hot, and im doing better right now ! ive bought a bunch of Nirvana and Guns N' Roses tapes for my walkman, so thats fun ! shes getting a little old, though... going on 10 years soon ! shes tough as shit though, so i dont think shell break anytime soon :)
lifes been pretty alright as of lately ! been hanging out with Mitzi a lot, and her new friend too ! hes super funny, lol !
ive been trying to not think about my ex as of lately, and focusing on whats going on currently instead of the past. its... been really hard, if im honest ! but im trying. and i think im doing an okay job at it.
im not too sure what to write aside from this. so, i guess this is bye for now ! :)
well... some things happened today. i thought i was feeling better, but i guess the universe hates me or something.
i saw HER today. i was out to get my prescription meds at the drug store, and SHE was there. thankfully she didnt see me, but i had to hide in the bathroom for half an hour, just to be sure she wouldnt catch me when i left. oh i couldve just... RAN to her and STRANGLE her right then and there. maybe i shouldve. wouldve saved misery for thousands of people.
the stuff ive seen... im not supposed to talk about it. i promised. if they find out, theyll straight up kill me. i wouldnt really care in other circumstances, but... guess i cant have that luxury anymore, huh.
theyd kill me. theyd probably go after-
... what am i doing.
well, theres a heatwave going on right now. doesnt help that im not used to hot temperatures... ughhh. aside from that though, me, Mitzi and her friend have been playing DND a bit as of lately. i missed this ! i used to play it every week with an old group of friends from the old workplace i worked at, but obviously i havent played in some months.
im not too sure what to write here, aside from this. sorry. im still trying to emotionally recover from the last entry, which was a few days ago.
i found a box of stuff he got for me, in my closet... i wonder if i should just sell it. theres some pretty expensive stuff in it, which could help if i sold them, but... fuck. so many memories...
... no. i should get rid of it. its just not helping me.
this is it. i finally told my mother to stop bothering me, or else shell never see me again. im done with her games and im tired of her judging me for everything i do. shes done that ever since i was born, and i reached my breaking point. i told her that if she wouldnt stop, that i promise her i could just vanish from her entire life. ive done it before, and i can do it again. of course, she didnt like it. started yelling at me again, of how much of a fuckup i am. ive done mistakes, but for christs sake, im exhausted of being reminded of them by her. everything i do has her voice in the back of my mind just judging me. i cut her off.
im terrified. im so fucking scared of becoming like her. i hope to god i dont. she never fucking tried with me. ever. and neither did my dad too. just sucks knowing your parents completely hate your guts, but i guess it was bound to happen anyway. im not even sure why they decided to be parents, if im completely frank. they clearly were unhappy about it. maybe... maybe thats why im so scared ? i know that if i kept contact with him, we might have become like them. and i could never forgive myself for doing that to my child. im gonna try my damn fucking best, because i know i can, even if it scares the crap out of me. my parents never believed in me, but i do. i have to.
jeez, its coming soon, i can feel it. ive been feeling sicker than ever, its exhausting. Mitzis been helping me as im just feeling like utter fucking trash. i mean, im excited and happy and whatnot, but i just want this to be over yet lol. maybe thats why im such an anger filled mess right now. hormones are weird. sorry im like this.
wow, its been a whole while, hasnt it ? about 10 years ! i feel soo bad for abandoning this website, but life got the best of me. i didnt have the time to update it, yknow, raising a kid and all. a lot changed ! i have a daughter now ! her name is Grace and shes the best thing thats ever happened to me. becoming a mother really does turn your life upside down- not necessarily in a bad way ! it just becomes different.
i really wish i had done things differently, though. i wasnt fair, but sadly, i only realized it when it was too late. i was fed lies by a person i thought was one of my best friends about him, and she threw me under the bus right after that. he probably remade his life and now has a wife. and you know what ? im okay with that. if hes happy, then i am. me and grace didnt live in the easiest conditions, but damn we were happy. we were there for each other, and we still are. for the last bit of time i have left, at least.
oh i dont want this to be gloomy, because this isnt meant to be. i came to terms with me dying soon a long while ago, but my babys having a bit of a hard time with it. i just hope shell be able to cope with it... god i hope. i just... dont want her to end up like me. live the kind of things i have. please god. shes such a sweet kid. ive honestly never met someone like her. i remember shed wanna give her birthday gifts to her little friends when she was younger, and whenever id cry shed be there for me. gosh, i love her. seeing her grow up was the best thing ive ever experienced.
our kid is good, Joseph. shes really good. i really hope you get to meet her, one day. i wish i couldve told you back then. i was so, so selfish. selfish and an idiot. maybe then... we couldve been a family. all three of us. in another life, maybe. i just wished it couldve been this one.
if you ever find this... im so sorry. all i wanted was for you to be happy, and i knew you werent ready to be a father at that time. i sound like a broken record, but i really do mean it. even if you have your own family (if you do), i really hope you get to meet your daughter one day. i know shed like you. i never... talked about you to her. i didnt want her to feel like the weird kid at school, and i didnt want her to be sad. but... now, i kind of wish i did. its far too late though. god, she sounds exactly like you at times, it used to take me aback. like shed say stuff id imagine youd say, and id try not to bawl out right there.
i really think you wouldve been great. and if you have a family now, theyre incredibly lucky to have you. im so sorry we never ended up seeing each other again. ive never stopped missing you, ever since that day i left your place. i wish i couldve seen you one last time, at least before i left.
im sorry. for everything. i truly believed i did the right thing. i was so foolish to think that way. i was foolish to believe Avas lies about you. my guilt will never leave me, and i am now bound to die with it. you deserved so much better.
ive always loved you. its okay if you dont feel the same. i just thought i should at least let it out before the inevitable comes.
and to Grace, if you ever find this, im so sorry i never told you about your father. im so sorry i never told you the full truth about everything. i really wish i would have earlier. ive never loved someone like ive loved you. you were my whole reason to continue on. youre gonna do amazing things. i know it !! youre so smart and sweet and loyal. my little ace !! be the best human you can be out there. the world is harsh, and you might find that out in ways you never expected, but you never give up. dont do it for me either, or for anyone else. you need to do it for yourself.
ill see you guys in your dreams.